it's World Suicide Prevention Day

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lupus-astra's avatar
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and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am a wreck.

For those of you who may be unaware, back in January a friend of mine killed herself. She was an internet friend but a damn good one and one who I miss more than I want to admit.

Chelsea was one who supported my writing from the moment I joined Fanfiction.net. She introduced me to Markiplier, who continues to be one of my biggest inspirations to this day. She would constantly assure me that I mattered in this world. Chelsea was a good fucking person and she didn't deserve the shit she went through. Near the end of her life, we'd lost touch a bit and didn't talk as much as we used to. My iPod's facetime stopped working so that was useless, and I just kind of stopped knowing what to say to her so I opted for nothing at all most weeks.

I regret that so much. If I had messaged her more, would she still be here? If I had told her how much she meant to me more than I did, would she have swallowed those pills? Maybe. I don't know.

I told myself that I should forget about Chelsea and not blame myself but really I just can't. If I forget her, then what if there's no one else who remembers? And there was so much more I could have done that I didn't because I was more worried about my own problems than concerned on helping her get through hers.

The more I think about her today, the worse I get. I'm certain that part of her mindset was "No one will miss me if I'm gone." She was wrong. Dead wrong. I miss her so fucking much. Sometimes I don't want to think she's dead and I pretend she's just extremely late in replying to our last email. Even after experiencing this pain, I still think similar thoughts of no one caring if I was dead, but I know that at least one person would be sad. And that enough is to keep me going.

what I'm trying to say is...well...I know life sucks. It sucks a lot. But please...for the sake of others who are selfish like me...

Continue to live. 

It isn't fair when you go because there'll be a space in someone's chest that will never fill - the space that you once were in. Things will always get better with time even if it takes ten years. Continue to live for the sake of those who love you no matter how few that number may be. You touch so many lives and you don't realize it until it's too late. 

I'm sorry. I'm really emotional right now and I can't really string together a coherent journal. I just keep shaking and crying.

Please. Don't forget those who have committed suicide. Don't brush mental illnesses like depression off as silly little quirks. This is reality. This is the world we live in. We have to help one another as much as we can.

And if you're one of the too-many people who are contemplating killing themselves, talk to someone. It'll be okay. I promise. You matter to so many people. You're amazing. I love you.

I'm sorry, Chelsea.

I miss you.
© 2014 - 2024 lupus-astra
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konakoffee77's avatar
Thank you so much. First off, I would miss you because I just really enjoy your writing and the things you do on DA.


Second, you're giving me a reason to live.
Thanks for that.