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she was a vicious prion,
anomalous & infectious—
my fractured mind was the
perfectly unsuspecting host.

i was so ashamed of life
& you had all the answers.


"don't let me go,"
she hissed each night,
coating my flesh in a
despondent cancer.

(it was just too damn easy
                    to grasp your viral hands.)


i know my ribcage is almost on empty
& my heart is converting to toxic waste,
but i still have a feverish serum in my veins
& a voice not yet conquered by broken bones.

your plague of malevolence
shall never govern me again.
I will never let her walk in my skin again.

It feels so damn good to know that this time, I mean it.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmisery007:
So I normally comment kind of seriously, but I'm going to take this opportunity to be totally crazy and abandon all sense of grammar or sentence structure.
OMG I FREAKING LOVE YOU AND YOUR WRITING ASDFGHJKL;'
LIKE SERIOULY I WANT TO WRITE LIKE YOU

.... Ahem, all done.
But seriously, I love the way your writing deals with important issues, and while I may not always understand what you write sometimes, I always feel a connection with the writing. I feel like that on it's own is the most important thing a writer or poet can have in their work. It makes me want to keep reading, so keep up the awesome work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconworldpeaceismine:
Well daaaaaaaaaaaamn I mean how do you write so well? I try to put something out and I have to literally squeeze the shit outta my brain.

Well, first. I'm not clear on your situation but I'm glad you feel good. So, on to the critique.


Well, it seems clear you have a vision for this particular piece so kudos to that. Its hard to have a focused vision for a piece, especially a poem.
And I feel the originality of this poem is really high. I've never read a lot like this, or about this theme. So yeah, really well done!
Okay, for technique, I'm always going to give you five full stars. Yours is wonderful!
Impact, 5 stars. It sends a strong wave to me... I guess its because I've felt it time and again. But like you, I hope, it'll be gone soon!

Then, each stanza. I actually didn't know what a prion was so I looked it up. Am I right to say its a rare infectious disease that softens your tissue or something? Its a really good use of personification/representation actually, I love it!
Um I'm going to skip the stanza 2 & 4 because um... I don't really have anything to say about them... hehe
For the third one, it gave me an image of a manipulation of the 'host' to keep the 'parasite', while it also represents a wall or illusion to cover up the harming.
Then the fifth one. I like this one a lot. Its like a contrast, yeah? the first two lines of this stanza rival the last two in meaning. Desperation to Determination.
Now for the last one. It sounds like a declaration! I hope its true for you, and everything is for the better now!

Well, I hope this wasn't too long for you to read, its about 311 words.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the way this is written, perfectly imperfect with structure. :heart:
Reply
:iconkushamisaru:
kushamisaru Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Critiques are closed but since you requested, I'll do one anyway. My first one so forgive me if it's a bit not good.

Devious rating: 4.5
Only because I think there's always room for improvement. I honestly can't see how you can improve. You'd have to go to someone more knowledgeable.

Vision: 5
Honestly, if you don't know how much I adore your descriptions by now, you never will. I love your way with words and the imagery you provide.

Originality: 4.5
We all have that friend or know someone with that friend. But you've handled it in such a unique way that you've completely turned it into something else.

Technique: 5
Similar to vision; you've got a great grip on this concept, I think. I'm not gonna sit and gab all day about how much I love what you do with words (though I could)

Impact: 4.5
Some of it kind of goes over my head and it's like understanding the punchline long after the joke has been told ^^; it affects my understanding a bit; but that's more of a me problem. You can just ignore this part, mmkay?
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is one of those beautiful pieces that shows how poignant and therapeutic poetry can be a the same time, I love this nearly as much as the author :heart:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
asdfgh :iconasdfghplz: I love you toooooo.
Reply
:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Professional Writer
For #poeticalcondition.
I am painful so i cannnot offer 100 words.

The diction and emotion of this work stand out more than other features and are very unique.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. This piece means a lot to me.
Reply
:iconag-wolf:
Ag-Wolf Featured By Owner May 1, 2013
A lot of your poetry really resonates with me, but holy hell. This is amazing. It speaks from a mindset that I completely understand and, in my opinion, encapsulates it perfectly. GREAT job.
(although I had to look up what prion was) :onfire:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like the word prion. It sounds so...pretty. For being a virus. :XD:

Thank you very much.
Reply
:iconag-wolf:
Ag-Wolf Featured By Owner May 1, 2013
I like viruses! :dummy:
Oh, and you're welcome. :3
Reply
:iconstellastarfish:
StellaStarfish Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Student General Artist
I love this. Beautifully written. Very nice job :)
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much.
Reply
:iconponygurl433:
ponygurl433 Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
One of your best. The unique punctuation and formatting of this really adds to the impact of the poem. Well done. I hope one day you will publish some of your work :)

That said, what your work could really benefit from is if you read each one out loud. I have been noticing this as a trend in your poetry, but nearly all your poems have rich, beautiful imagery, but suffer in the rhythm department if read out loud. Bottom line, a treat to read, would be tough to present at a poetry slam or the like. I have brought mentioned this before because I felt like your poetry was stilling developing in its unique style, that admittedly is why your poetry is hard to read out loud, and I didn't want to discourage the direction it was taking because I really like it. Now however, let me present an example of a place that would benefit from alteration to a wording that rolls of the tongue better or better punctuation so that the reader know where to take a pause.

"My fractured mind was the / perfectly unsuspecting host."

These two lines, when read, just don't flow. The line separation from "the" to "perfectly" does little to indicate the rhythm with which the reader should speak. I would suggest change the line to "My fractured mind / was the perfectly unsuspecting host.". The new placement rids to the responsibility for the speaker to try and make pausing after the word "the". It is always better to avoid ending lines with words like "the", "a", "was", etc. These words act as introductions to new more important ideas in sentences (i.e.. "the horse", "a book", "it was nice". The when speaking, these words beg for a word to come after them. Denying that to the reader by forcing a line break after one does little for the rhythm of the piece.

I would recommend reading all your work out line, adhering to all indications of pauses made by punctuation and line breaks, you will soon find that creating division with line breaks and the like will not help your poetry, although it looks kind of cool. Don't be afraid to make lines a little longer if that is what the rhythm requires.

If you did this for all of your poems, they would be great to read in poetry speech competitions like the ones I compete in. You have great content, but I can't help but stumble when reading out loud because these is little attention given to setting the pace that the poem should be read at.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I never read my poetry out loud. It feels...hindering to me. I just write--to me, "choppy flow" fits my personality better. However, I appreciate the advice--I don't really like "rhyme schemes" and prefer free verse, but I suppose I can try what you suggested more.
Reply
:iconponygurl433:
ponygurl433 Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I personally dislike open or closed form when ever I am writing for myself, so I totally get were you are coming from with your focus on free verse.

I was not recommending a switch to rhyme schemes. I was suggesting finding a better rhythm to in a poem. Flow in a poem will make it both easier to read AND to speak, so you should try to get it regardless of whether or not you are going to read it out loud to people. You can have a choppier poem, to fit your personality, but you must not neglect to indicate to the reader when they should pause and when they should continue.

Even if reading out loud makes you feel uncomfortable, I would recommend it anyway. No pain, no gain. I think that if you practice reading out loud, you will find that it actually helps to create a better poem. Good luck :)
Reply
:iconrainatmosphere:
Rainatmosphere Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you don't mind me commenting on your comment. I am very aware of the poem structures of the rhythmic lines and I completely agree---yes, it's a toughie to read something like this out loud. But we must also acknowledge the writer's purpose and decision to write as such?

We both know that she didn't intend on setting a rhythmic meter in her poetry despite her labeling this as a free verse. So your advice to keeping the rhythm is extremely helpful (as I know that she is not yet aware of the rules in poetry). I noticed that her usage in caesura and enjambment are her strong points... I'm sure that with enough practice, she'll improve in her poetry writing.
Reply
:iconponygurl433:
ponygurl433 Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I don't mind your input at all. It's important for the writer to get feedback! I do think its important to acknowledge her purpose in writing in writing in this style. That is why I with held this criticism until now. I do enjoy reading her style, the use of different fonts and line placements are really great ways to keep the eye focused. Now I feel like I've seen enough from her to know that her style is very consistent in writing, so it is time to move on and figure out other areas to improve. The next step? Preparing a poem to be presented orally.

It is clear she didn't intend to set a rhythm in this poem, if she did it would be there. However, I don't know if that was purposeful, and she wanted it to be difficult to speak out loud in order to (just a guess as to what the purpose behind such an action could be) draw attention to the speaker's own pain. If it was purposeful, that's great. No changes necessary. If not, there is a problem. One that can be fixed with practice, of course, but a problem nonetheless. Once she gets to the point where she can write a poem pleasing to the ear, she will be a much stronger writer for it. The first step in that process is becoming aware that an issue is present and how to fix it. I was hoping to provide that.

She does use caesura and enjambment a lot. When she enjambment correctly it is particularly effective in creating tension. However when she uses them too much or in the wrong place, instead of creating tension and urging the speaker/reader go forward, it halts the flow of the poem. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that while she uses enjambment and the like a lot, I wouldn't necessarily consider it a strength whenever she picks the the visual look and where the words are written on the page over the actual flow of the word (She may have a different reason for her formatting, but that is the one I deduced: unique visual style). I think her poems are fantastically formatted, but the the sacrifice of flow that comes with the cool line breaks and spaces is a very high one. A balance must be found! This balance, I think, can only be found if she practices reading her poetry out loud.
Reply
:iconrainatmosphere:
Rainatmosphere Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Once again, very powerful.

And I'm glad to see that you're starting to do well, for the sake of your health and mentality. I feel a great shift in your life now.

Remember, I told you at the beginning of your junior year that everything will go well once your year comes to an end?

I would like to tell you congratulations for surviving your Junior year.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Unless the world blows up and we all die. :|
Reply
:iconyumehoshichan:
YumeHoshiChan Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
Interesting...kind of a metaphor for depression, or did you have something different in mind?

Either way, I love it.

:+favlove:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
In a way, yes. But also a metaphor for the person I became during it.
Reply
:iconforxa:
forxa Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
:iconbrohugplz:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconforxa:
forxa Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
:huggle: How are youuu?
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sick and dying. Ugh.
Reply
:iconforxa:
forxa Featured By Owner May 1, 2013
aww okay ;w;
Reply
:iconfindmyface:
findmyface Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow! This is great, sorry I can't write you a Critique, I can't do those, not enough experience under my belt.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's fine, I'm glad you commented however. Thanks.
Reply
:iconfindmyface:
findmyface Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem!
Reply
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