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it isn't like i'm
lazy or anything it's just that
the thought of getting lost
in a crowd of ten or more people
makes me want to puke.

this is not just some
stupid little hang-up that you can
joke about when i'm
digging my fingernails into my palm so
hard that blood is drawn as we walk through
school hallways so packed that it feels
like we're suffocating from too much
oxygen but i just grit my teeth and
laugh "yeah, i know, i just don't like
being around people sometimes."

but you know,
there's just something about the way
my mother says "go out and have a life
and stop looking like the world
betrays you every day"
that makes my stomach drop
or when my dad looks at me and just
sighs, like they've finally realized
i was never good enough to be
their daughter.

and to everyone who believes that
i just need to relax,
to just calm down and think:
fuck you. fuck you for trying to pretend
like you know how it feels when my
bones grind together like broken
gears as i walk by people who may
or may not know me or why i'm always the loudest one
of my friends when we're alone or why i
have to read over my text messages four times before
i can make sure it's all acceptable to send.

fuck you,
because it's all
just to hide the fact that
i am absolutely terrified of what tomorrow
will bring and how i'm probably
burdening everyone around me with my
mere presence and how
i have to be perfect,
i have to focus on others' problems and
not my own, i have to forget that i'm
sad for no apparent reason, i have to
not panic when customers ask how my day is
going, i have to pretend that i don't
want to just close my eyes
and live like i'm dying.
yeah sorry i told myself i'd write happier things but i just need to get this out i'm tired of feeling this way and being unable to explain it to those close to me and i'm sorry i'm a horrible friend and a worthless daughter i'm sorry i can't think of a good title sorry sorry sorry sorry
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cutetango Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I get it... I'm sorry you know the feeling..
psychosquatch Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2015
Wow! This is some real stuff right here. I'm sick of people acting like they want to help, and then all they do is judge. When the ones who supposedly love you repeatedly tell you that your very thoughts are wrong, you're too negative and that its bringing them down, it's impossible not to feel like a burden.
I can totally relate to this.
crazy-and-proud2413 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2014  Student Photographer

PandaNotes Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2014
I don't want to sit here and type my life story out, but I really have to say this is relatable, thank you for writing this. Beautiful work.
Geraniumpickle Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014
Ne... my dad's that way too. Trick is to find other people who accept you, the ones who laugh when you spell a word wrong and try to punch your dad when you tell them why you're crying. Hug
Just remember that everyone's a perfect person! All my poems are depressing too XD I worry people
saphira862 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Not many people understand what it means to feel like a burden every time you try to talk about your problems. When I was in therapy for my family problems, I wouldn't talk to the therapist because I felt like another person might need this more than me or she (my therapist) had better things to do than sit and listen to the problems of a bratty child. You captured that feeling so perfectly, it made me stop and think. If you talk to someone you aaren't a burden
saphira862 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
If anything, your a burden for holding it in. You become sad and deppressed. People start to worry.

And when you talk about being the loud one it surprised me. Instead of calling the people that are being loud attention seekers, you understand their reasoning. I was the loudest person in my schoo
saphira862 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
L. I wasn't trying to get attention, I was trying not to be forgotten. Great job on this masterpiece I can't wait to read more. :heart:
therealbeeblebrox Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No one is worthless. If you can write like this, you're not worthless.
TheAwkwardFangirl Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This has left me mostly speechless. I can relate so well. I swear, you aren't a burden to some people. You've made me feel better, knowing that there's other people out there like me. Huggle! 
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is so raw and honest. And perfect. I also like how you've taken the phrase "live like i'm dying" and spun it negatively...just because of how unique that makes this.

You are quite a poet. :heart:
someonesecho Featured By Owner May 9, 2014
Have I commented on this yet? No?

Well, either way, I re-read it, and I'm glad because hot damn this is greatly written
MayaAngelDay Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Student
I feel you.
drjgelb Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014
"i'm probably
burdening everyone around me with my
mere presence and how
i have to be perfect,
i have to focus on others' problems and
not my own, i have to forget that i'm
sad for no apparent reason"

Hopefully you have sought help because the cognitive style underpinning your every thought acts like a program or software, to string together one non-evidence based thought after another, with each compounding the anxiety and depressive impact. Anyone who bases their mood state on thoughts commencing with words like "I'm probably", "I have to", "I must", "I should" etc. is unaware that they have never learned to think in an evidence based way. Where's it written that you have to be perfect, except in your own mind? It's not written anywhere...........your inner voice does not put your silent thoughts up on the stand and cross examine them to see if there's real evidence to accept them as true. Without real evidence, like you would give in court, or with actual evidence to the contrary, you can dump those irrational thoughts and get some help in learning some of the many possible solutions. The process of learning to think rationally is called CBT = Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Please go and obtain a CBT therapist!!!!!! 
nikan2 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014
nihilism tends to fill the young minds of young middle-class kids because our society is driven by a high value towards individualism. Sometimes we need to realize that our search to find ourselves within this social/cultural network is like following a trail of smoke - yes, it is an illusion and yes, I do sound nihilistic. but on the contrary, you can use the illusion of our "self" as a benefactor of just spend our lives hung up on how no one  understands us... it is very exhausting, and I hope you can grow out of it one day, maybe.

the poem is superbly written you have amazing ability to express your "inner-dialogue" with clarity, but sometimes I wish it was not so straight forward and utilized more metaphorical imagery. I find writing my poetry in an abstract, cryptic fashion is very therapeutic because nobody needs to "understand me", except for me, but hey! they are more than welcome to try!

My only part of the poem I had a hard time with was when you described "suffocating because of too much oxygen". It just sounds alittle counter-intuitive to me. I hope you keep it up because you ARE an excellent artist of expression, but it seems like you only scratch the "perceptual surface".
cavalary1684 Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014
Sounds all too familiar (though it should probably be prose).
But it's them who should be striving to be good enough for you, not the other way around. Parents, I mean.
As for the others, those worth having around won't feel burdened and won't want you to be perfect. The problem, of course, appearing when someone you want to have around isn't worth it, by that definition, yet that changes nothing.

LilyHellsing Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014
I like it...and on some level, I can sympathize. It sucks feeling like you'll never be good, that you're never going to live up to what you or what you think others want....because then you wonder "How can I get to that level?", and find no answer...and it really slaps you upside the head. :\
Mad0Rose Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This brought me to tears but also a little bit happy because now I know someone else knows what it feels like...beautiful
ChibiRayane Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
i think you can just rap you know ! 
Asgar-Serran Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
Yeah, I can relate to that. ^^'
skipidididoo Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
I wish that you didn't have to feel like you must apologize for being who you are. I'm not very good with words, and I know that I probably can't even imagine what it must feel like... But I am good at giving hugs, virtual or not, so if you need one I'd be more than willing to give you however many you need to feel better.
CreativeSoul007 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014  Student General Artist
Beautiful! This describes me exactly. It's like I'm in this dichotomy, where I want to get help for my depression but I'm terrified of opening my mouth. 
SleepyWishes Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014
It's okay, I can never write anything happy either. It's just Nobody's perfect, and I know it, but it's just unacceptable.
tirasunil Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2014  Student Writer
You should re-write this as prose. :)
Pereyga Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I hope it will get better for you. And you'll be able to enjoy life
-impressive poem
the-music-prophet Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I am just sorry excuse for a person, remembering simpler times where all I was was afraid of my own shadow. How did it get to the point where I am picking apart my soul like it is a time bomb (it might as well be) and shake at the thought of all I don't know about myself?

Your poem is lovely, my fascination grows every time I reread it. You have been able to describe such difficult concepts flawlessly; I am in love with your words and the truth they hold.
dog-on-the-floor Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Student Writer
you just voiced my thoughts exactly...
normally its like no one gets it. i'm not pissed off, i'm not upset, i just don't want to be here or be around any people
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Student Writer
Waffles-Of-Gondolyn Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aw you don't have to apologize for anything. You are a special and unique person and it's okay to not want to be around people. (= 
livvywivvylove Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I understand what u mean 100% because I go thru the same things every day of my life and I know this probably won't help and you can be pissed at me for saying this but sometimes you need to take a deep breath and let it go let go all of the fears. Feel it leave your body and your muscles relax. I would hate hearing this from someone but I'm being honest when I say it works a friend taught me this method and I'll always be grateful
Precipitous120 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
You just need to

I know what you are talking about... I was abused as a child and was afraid of people... although this might not be you hang up, it was mine, and in that way I was terrified of people standing next to me... I felt for some reason like they were going to hurt my bones.

I used to walk to the other side of the road, rather then greet someone coming my way.

But ya, like I said, it's all over.

I would favor this poem... it's pretty great, but I would like to just forget my past for once.

I did research my feeling once.

there were so many theories but none of them actually fit.

One was that evolution gives us 3 responses to a crowd: Arrogance, disassociation, or hate... also linking up to the fight, flight or fright theory... but none of that was true...

I don't think it is normal for man to hang around allot of people... must be just normal for cave men to stay alone... but then again I could be wrong...

Well regardless, your poem made me think all these things, truly makes me feel happy to be out of those situations, and the same time it makes me wonder...

You sent your message quite clearly through...
MaryItIs Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I just... I think I love this :) :hug: :heart:
AlyssLiberty Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2014
It made me wanna cry cause this is EXACTLY, word for word how I feel every day and sometimes I really wish there was someone I could tell my sadness and having someone to hug me and comfort me even just a little but I still live hoping that one day I will meet this person, anyway I hope you'll get better and even if you feel bad now I'm sure everything will get better :)
Thornessa Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This feeling, I hope I can say, is the worst.
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yep. It is.
HazyDreamerNeko Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014
...i dont like how you know this feeling. It kinda makes me doubly sad that someone else is also feeling this way because i know personally this sucks and i dont wish it upon anyone else and just. why. 
but. thank you? for expressing what I can't? yea. its nicely written but i hope you feel better soon Sad Hug - Updated 
(sorry if i dont make a lot of sense)
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you feel better as well.
Gremlingout Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Really, really liked this.
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
glad to hear so.
LayaAmaranthi Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
o.o that ... is ... how I feel most of the time, but it's gotten better. Getting better. Is better.
I have wondered (and internet-researched, but what good does that do?) more than once if there is some chemical imbalance or something aside from my just having social anxiety and being an introvert.
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I want it to get better.
Lawli-Art Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014   General Artist
We are intelligent animals with complex, weird brains.

There is no such thing as a soul.

When we die, we die, and there is no coming back, so you have to live life to the fullest while you can, rather than wishing on your deathbed for something that just isn't possible.
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh. Um. Yes.
Lawli-Art Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014   General Artist
Random, right?
M-Gray-M Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Don't apologize, please don't. You have every single right in the world to feel how you feel. I really and truly hope you get to feeling better soon, and things mellow out for you a bit! Just continue to be as strong and as brave as you are now.
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Me too.
irunforfun1021 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014
"Hell is... Other people."
- From No Exit, by Sartre.
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ain't that the truth.
Ericaust Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh honey :( i felt that way too back in the days. life is hard that's for sure!! but it'll only get harder. You should enjoy your youth whilst you can! because when you get married and have kids you will no longer have time for yourself. I find i ask myself what was wrong back then? y did i hate life? because when u become a adult things are rough!
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Submitted on
March 21, 2014


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