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Yesterday my mother asked me what I
would name my children and I told her that
I did not want any. She scoffed at me
and shook her head, insisting
that once I found the
"perfect man"
all of that would change.

And I thought back
to all the times when my palms
sweated and my throat ran dry
and my cheeks heated up just because
a girl walked by whose lips
were so pretty and pink that all I wanted
to do was taste them.

I replied, swallowing the acid
that was threatening to crawl out of
my mouth,
"it will take a lot more than that
to convince me."

Because despite the fact that
the mere thought of a man
with arms that could carry the weight of the
world holding me tight could
make my legs crumble beneath me,
I just don't know if it
would be the right choice.

I remember once
when I let it slip that I supported
those who loved all genders
my parents stared at me as if I
had admitted to murder. "It's wrong,"
my father had exclaimed and to me,
his words were a toxin more deadly
than arsenic. "It's disgusting."

In that moment I realized
that my parents would never be happy
with a daughter who could fall in love
with anyone the moment she
heard their laughter or saw the universe
that resided in their eyes. So I
just smiled and pretended that there
was no urge to rip off my skin
and burn it until all that was left
were bare bones and monochrome heart
too scared of what it desires.
Yes, this is cliche. Yes, this is a cry for attention because I need to get it out.

Yes, I'm officially coming out.

But only on the internet.

I. Am not. Straight.

I'm so tired of keeping it inside. I don't care if it's online but I need someone, anyone to know.

I am pansexual. I say pan because I find myself getting attracted to any gender, not just male and female. I figured it's time to stop pretending like it's not me and just embrace it the best I can instead of telling myself that I only think I feel this way. I've felt this way for about four years now. No, I'm not "confused"--I know what my heart wants and it makes me want to cry.

And if any of my friends in real life or my family knew this I don't know what they'd do. I don't know how they'd react. But I'm too fucking terrified to ever bring it up, even when everyone always bugs me about getting married and having children. I know some of them have accounts on here. And if they read this...please. Don't bring this up. Not yet. Let me bring it up to you. I'm sorry but I just don't think I can tell you yet.

Writing this has made me feel like someone punched me in the gut. Posting this is making my skin itch and sweat and oh god why am I doing this.
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TheCacklingCat Featured By Owner 2 days ago  New Deviant
Same for me, hun. You're not alone. I live in Southern Oregon, in a place where people are literally yelling in the halls that homosexuality is wrong. I know how hard it is to come out as pansexual. I just hope that tings will turn out ok for you. <3
samrtrz Featured By Owner Edited Jul 2, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
This is so cool. I love it :D

Okay, so I just realized that you came out and I just wanted to tell you that you rock! You're awesome and you're going to do a lot of great things like this work of art right here. Just saying haha
Alexeina Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Panromantic to another pan, I can tell you it's tough trying to explain yourself.

But that should NEVER discourage you from loving who you choose and believe what you think. They don't need to know now if you don't feel like you could handle trying to come out to them. Just hide your time and build your strength darling, because it's already there, it just needs some time. I believe in you, we all do. <3
ComixThreeSevens Featured By Owner May 30, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, embrace mental illness. It's like if a guy who thinks he's a dog said he's tired of pretending to be human. By the way, you really don't need to describe in details that you're a horny bitch.
Alexeina Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Words like this can end lives, think about it.
DewyPetals Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You, person who does not deserve to breathe Earth's air, can go and sit in the corner. Shame. Shame on you.

How dare you judge this person for what they are. Who are you to make such a statement? What gives you the right to pass judgement on people?

I know I'm being a hypocrite when I judge you for making such a comment, but honestly, your opinion disgusts me. I'm not judging you as a person, I'm judging your comment, your opinion. Kindly think before you type.
Oh my god, I love your work. I can't stop reading it, and returning to this piece in particular. It just perfectly describes how I feel when I just get so damn flustered and forget how to breathe just because some gorgeous girl walked by. And it's a pain-filled piece of work, but it's beautiful and it reminds me I'm not alone in how I feel. So I just wanted to thank you, if that's not weird. Thanks for putting this out there, because I know it has to help more people than just me. And congrats on having the courage to do this. I know how hard it is, believe me. I'm sorry this is so late, but, well... yeah. I'm here if you want to talk, but if not just keep your head up. I believe it'll all get better someday
Lawlessness45 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful. I know it is an expression of your pain, but god dang it, you expressed yourself in a beautiful way.
crazy-and-proud2413 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2014  Student Photographer
I'm asexual and panromantic, but everyone thinks I'm aromantic because I haven't met anyone I could work with. Well, I have. But Siema's a strict muslim and I don't know... I don't know whether she would be fine and I don't want to be wrong. : (

But... Good for you. No, really. The Internet knows, now; that's a start. And you don't have to tell anyone, but you have, so... well done.
Alexeina Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey you're not alone sug, just take the judgement as it comes and throw it through the paper shredder :huggle: things will work out in the end
KMusicDreamer Featured By Owner Edited Sep 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Well said. I completely understand. My parents are both very Christian and would wish death upon themselves if they knew I was pansexual. Actually 90% of my mom's side of the family would hate me, or pray for "my sin". And my best friend, who is my ex and because she is bitter toward me, she says I'm only heteroflexible. Which is definitely not the case. I like whoever I am attracted to. And that happens to be people of any gender, or any identification, for me. I'm mainly in the closet still. So I am very proud and in aw of what you've done here. :) I believe in you and your strength. You can and will get through this.
LittleKuroiNeko Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Student General Artist
I return to this piece regulary because it just.. fuck I don't know how to describe it. It just hits me in a way I didn't know it could hit me and I'm just a fucking masochist for this piece of art. I'm in love with your words ♥

Excuse my language.
PennyDiamond Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014  Student General Artist
I haven't really told anyone either. This is such a perfect description. So so beautiful.
Hyurikken Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2014
Story-of-a-Mind Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Kerberusz Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sorry I am not very good in English so I will tell you what I think in German:

Du fühlst so wie du bist und das ist auch gut so!!!!! Daumen hoch! Ebenso Kopf hoch! Laas dich nicht unterkriegen. :hug:
Es ist sehr schwierig in unserer heutigen Zeit für Homosexuelle (Schwule/Lesben), aber das sollte nicht so sein. Einige meiner Freunde sind schwul und lesbisch.
Na und? Sind sie dewegen Menschen einer unteren Klasse, haben sie Aussatz (Lepra) oder sind gar giftig?
Nein, sie haben halt eine andere sexuelle Neigung als die meisten Menschen auf dieser Welt. Deshalb können sie trotzdem für mich da sein, mit mir lachen wenn ich glücklich bin und mich trösten oder mit mir weinen wenn ich traurig bin. Das Gleiche mache ich auch für sie und ich freue mich mit ihnen wen sie die Liebe ihres Lebens finden. Ich bin genauso dafür das schwule/lesbische Paare heiraten und Kinder adoptieren dürfen.
Ich verstehe auch diese ganzen Diskussionen um homosexuelle Sportler und Schauspieler/SängerInnen nicht. Ich habe mit zwei Schwulen (die diese Homosexualität auch ausleben) jahrelang Fussball gespielt und mich auch gemeinsam geduscht. Ich verstehe nicht was die Leute falsch daran finden.
Es hat jeder das Recht glücklich zu sein!
Zu deinen Eltern, ich denke was sie vor allem brauchen werden ist Zeit um das Ganze zu überdenken/zu akzeptieren. Trotzdem sie sind deine Eltern und das werden sie immer bleiben.
Wenn ich (so Gott will) einmal Kinder habe und sie mir eines Tages sagen sie sind am jeweils gleichen Geschlecht interessiert werde ich alles tun was ich kann um sie zu unterstützen und sie begleiten so gut ich kann und dafür beten und bitten, dass sie ihr Glück finden.

You have got my full support. If you want to talk just send me a note or something else. :-)
carmencaracol Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sorry, but... what's the difference between pansexual and bisexual?
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Student Writer
Bisexual is being attracted to men and women, and pansexual is being attracted to all genders LGTBs identify as.
carmencaracol Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
excuse me, I'm sorry, but what other genders exist except male and female?
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Student Writer
That's alright ^^ well, some people identify as queer or genderless.
carmencaracol Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Student Writer
mmhmm ^^
TheForsakenGoddess Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014
this is a question best to look for resources on tumblr.
Shikimari Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You go girl. I have this bookmarked, and I clicked it again because I don't remember what it is. I was so not disappointed at what I found because of how beautiful this is.
GlassMuses Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014
Hey, you know what, you rock. You're able to see everyone's beauty, not just that in a few. If people think there's something wrong with you and tell/treat you as such, point out that they're obviously way more messed up, actively seeking to cause you pain. Who does that? Find a way to use whatever argument they throw at you against them.
And about the kids? If they won't leave you alone, you can give them numerous explanations if you don't want to use this one. After all, kids aren't just about partners; they're a whole new way of life. Maybe you want to travel, but kids would root you to one place because of school or giving them a stable life. Maybe you find the economy too worrisome to try to support more than yourself. Maybe you just want to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want and not worry about bedtimes and friends' birthdays. Ask them about how their lives changed when they had kids and point out that it isn't the life you want for yourself.
Or just say, "I don't want to talk about it," and refuse to do so no matter how much they try to make you.
If you do want to talk, send me a message.Heart 
Love-and-Blades Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is beautiful. Find strength. You deserve happiness. hug 
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
jamujamu158 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
TorriKarlette Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Who gets to state what is right, and what is wrong? Love is... you cannot chose who you fall in love with, and there shouldn't, although there is, be a reason for people who are not orientated to the opposite gender to be scared to admit it. It shouldn't even be something you have to admit. It's completely normal, and I hate when people say it isn't. Who said the right way was to be straight? Who get's to tell people who to love? I admire you for coming out like this, since there are so many people who are stuck in their idealistic world where everything should be the way they want to see it. And it makes me so mad. It doesn't change the person to something worse, it, it doesn't make the person someone different, I... I don't even know how to express in which ways I do not understand these people. No one should have to have the feeling that there is something wrong with who they are, well, I guess murderers should probably.. but that's beside the point. 
I hope everything goes well, the poem was beautiful.
BetterScarletMystery Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You are so brave, taking the first step, even knowing what this could cost you. Well done
ClockmakersWife Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful.
Kitsune0Jester Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Student
Congrats to you for your bravery. Best wishes to your life.
AlexandraErlangen Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
you are very brave, comming out like this. I hope you find what you are looking for, so you can live a happy life.
HazyDreamerNeko Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
...this brought tears to my eyes.
Probably because i had arguments with my mum regarding gender queers and children and yes these are the exact same opinions that they have and those arguments hurt me more than ill ever admit irl. 
(I know I don't want children but I'm still confused on my gender tho. However its just I'm fine with any sexuality but they are like "That's unnatural") sigh.
But reading stuff like this makes me think that maybe we will be an entire generation that grows to be more accepting than our parents are, and the hope is beautiful. <3
onababona Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Student General Artist
:hug: Support from one pansexual to the other, my parents are the same way. My father has accepted me finally but my mother is still in denial. Keep plugging! 
RepoLadyWallace Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
As someone who is currently questioning and dealing with a lot of personal thought in regards to my own recent relationships and 'label', I love this piece a lot. As someone who is also too afraid to tell anyone I wish I could offer a friendly embrace.

I wish you well and that our world gets a little more open minded every day.
JinxKatKazama Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Student Writer
You're a brave person for coming out like this... YOU DESERVE A PONY!
duskricorn Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
do whatever feels comfortable to you, that doesn't risk your physical safety BUT also your emotional safety. give it time. figure yourself out. but what everyone said here is right: life is too short to worry about how someone else wants you to live your life. it's not theirs. just know that we all suffer or suffered these same things. you are not alone. we're all here for you.
Flatt-Lined Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Student Artisan Crafter
I am not sexually attracted to either gender, but I can still love. I'm asexual and apparently that means I'm broken and need to be fixed because all humans want to have sex, but I personally find it revolting. I cannot fathom why people are disgusted by asexuals, bisexuals, lesbians, gays, etc. I don't see how it hurts them or hinders their lives. In all honesty, I was so confused at why it mattered that I was asexual, I thought it would be stupid to come out. Not out of fear but just out of irrelevance. Still, I came out to my mom a few weeks ago and I thought she wouldn't care, but she told me when I'm older I'd understand, and that she's kind of disappointed because she wanted grand kids (hell, I want kids later in life too). She didn't accept it even though I know for a fact I'm asexual, but she didn't hate me either and while I just wanted her to say "why does that matter?" I can't change her mindset. I also came out to one of my best friends months before that and she didn't react at all and it just seemed irrelevant, so she just accepted it and we went on talking. Friends are usually more accepting of these things because they don't have a big say in shaping you like your parents did. I have neglected to tell my boyfriend. It hurts every time he kisses my neck out of love and I find it disturbing, but I don't have the heart to tell him, because if there's one thing I hate, it's seeing people apologize to me. I've lived in ridicule all my life for other reasons, and I'm not afraid to throw another in; it's shaped me into the person I am today, a person that I can feel proud to be but at the same time also ashamed to be out of necessity, I guess.

You're a really brave person and a wonderful writer, no matter what happens when you finally tell them just remember it's who you are and you can't change that, so be proud. If you get caught up in their ideals you'll lose your own and be miserable. You'll always have someone, at least one person, who will love you and be on your side no matter what you do. You've got a good heart underneath all that fear and worry, but it's starting to suffocate. Just promise me no matter what, you won't just fall in line and lose yourself - the world needs people like you and can't afford to lose any more. Stay strong.
phantomphan2309 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey! I'm asexual as well! "I'm asexual and apparently that means I'm broken and need to be fixed because all humans want to have sex" Well said, and so not true!
SonadowStories Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
You shouldn't care what your parents say. If you find a girl you will be happy with, your parents shouldn't have the right to judge you for it. If it makes their daughter happy, they should accept her for who she is.
puffysmoke1 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I hope you can be brave, and find happines without your parents by your side if you must.
You have already been very brave by just posting this, very, VERY brave. take care of yourself and good luck
Oblivoshine Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Congrats for having the courage to express that part of yourself.
jawsjawslove Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Go girl I have announced on the internet that I am lesbian a
mystifytheworld Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Student Writer
I am so SO proud of you. at least you know who you are and you are standing up for yourself. Personally I honestly don't know what I am, I'm still figuring it out and that scares me. But you know and that is a big deal, and while it can also screw stuff up it will get better and you will find those who really accept you.
AS87fanwriter Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
There will be a brighter future. Take this from a fellow pansexual who struggled through her own identity and orientation discovery for years before finally accepting herself. Things will get better.

Additionally, it's easy for people to tell you that your family is only those that accept you. That isn't the case; blood is family as well. However, that doesn't mean that for blood ties alone you need to change something that is at the core of your being just to make them happy.

Seek support where you can find it, and remember that there will always be someone willing to support your discovery - for a decision it is NOT.

Good luck to you.
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
HisuiHalo Featured By Owner Edited Jun 26, 2014  Student General Artist
A few months ago, I was talking to my mother about how I had always wanted to be friends with someone who was gay, bi, or transgender because I thought they were awesome and cool, and then she confessed to my sister and I that she was bi, and that our dad knew, but our older brother didn't. I did not dislike or hate my mother after finding out, I only loved her more.
When I showed her this, she started to cry a little and both of us were extremely happy to see that most of the comments were supportive of you and not insulting or offensive, like it might have been. I hope you have as much or more luck in the future just as you have had with support from your fellow deviants! Every one should be accepted for who they are no matter what! Tamako Kitashirakawa (Smile) [V1] 
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this is gonna make me cry
HisuiHalo Featured By Owner Edited Jun 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Bunny Emoji-09 (Cry) [V1] I already am/
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Submitted on
June 23, 2014


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