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9:06 p.m.
      the eyes in the mirror won't stop staring back at me.

9:11 p.m.
      is that really me?

9:23 p.m.
      those can't be my lips. they're too ugly.

9:31 p.m.
      and my cheeks. who would ever want to caress those things?

9:46 p.m.
      i need to get up. goddammit, stop looking at yourself!

9:58 p.m.
      no. no. no. no. no. no. no.

10:13 p.m.
       hah. i've become like narcissus. wonder where my echo is?

10:27 p.m.
       fuck. fuck this. fuck me. fuck everyone.

10:38 p.m.
       why can't this all just stop already?

10:44 p.m.
      don't you dare cry you pathetic, ugly, disgusting creature.

10:50 p.m.
       i'll never find what i want to see.
A piece from my secret series on my Tumblr. I experimented a bit with style on this one and I genuinely was pleased with the result. Thus, I decided to post it up on here. Most of my secret series on Tumblr don't go on here because I feel like they don't belong.

The secret?

"For the past week and a half, every night at 9:06 I’ve been sitting in front of the mirror just staring into my own eyes. Its 10:50 and I just got up. I feel like crying because I didn’t find anything I was looking for. Anything, anyone could love."

More secrets here: midnightcrocuses.tumblr.com/

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:iconaj-dion:
Critique by AJ-Dion Dec 22, 2013, 8:15:42 PM
I really do like this. Excellent style and brilliant impact. The 10:13 bit was a little confusing around the last phrase. "wonder why my echo is?" Interesting turn of words. I do like it. Hoping it isn't a typo. LOL
I also really like the subject matter and identify with it a lot. I have lost count of the number of times I have done the 10:27 thing.
Only thing I can say in a semi negative way is I wish it continued on. It is one of those pieces that feels like it need a bit more to finish it. But that is just how it feels to me when I read it. Apart from that, I love it. Nicely done.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconxanthiab:
Far from the conventional structures of traditional poetry and unique from the concepts of modern poetry, It is 10:50 pm by PrussianPersephone utilizes a style that is completely the deviant's own to differentiate from other works.

Beginning with a phrase that ties straight back to the title ("9:06 p.m."), the poem brings to mind the techniques of the infamous Sylvia Plath in her poems such as I am Vertical. But the deviant does not linger on this connection, intentional or not, but leaps straight into the crux of the matter: "the eyes in the mirror won't stop staring back at me." Continuing from this phrase is the rhetorical question, "Is that really me?" This generates sympathy within the reader, a response that becomes stronger as the poem spirals along.

For me, the best part of the poem was "10:13 p.m.", where the allusion to Narcissus is both self-deprecating and blackly humorous. It is in this instant that the deviant allows the reader ambivalence in their reaction to the poem.

It is 10:50 p.m. may be seen as too dark for the tastes of some readers. For me, however, the unfamiliar structure and fantastical atmosphere of this poem is a bracing, pleasant breeze of surprise. Well done.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconruetris:
RueTris Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Student Photographer
Don't be so hard on yourself, there is something about everyone to love. Don't just look at the negatives. :hug:
Reply
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

:iconprettyflour: here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

I am so glad that you decided to experiment with this style. This is such a unique way to tell a story. I honestly don't have any constructive criticism to offer- I find this is perfect as in.  The subject matter is relatable, the story powerful.  Well done!
Reply
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This really is a good format for what you were trying to communicate here. I've been guilty of this myself. We all need to learn to love ourselves a little more and criticize ourselves a little less. :heart:
Reply
:iconevetyran:
evetyran Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014  Student General Artist
I really hope that you don't mind, but I used this poem for a poem analysis thing ^^; I credited you, but I'll take it down if you don't feel comfortable with it.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I sure as hell don't mind, I'm touched actually! is it for school?
Reply
:iconevetyran:
evetyran Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014  Student General Artist
Yus :3
Reply
:iconespada-kitsuki:
Espada-Kitsuki Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
A little not so optimistic, but hey, I like this stuff. ;n;
Reply
:iconmis-tl:
Mis-tl Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh look, another one of your amazing pieces to add to my collection of favorites! I love your work so much ;~;
Reply
:iconanila73:
anila73 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Just.....



I can't say how much I like this.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you <3
Reply
:iconspiralingspontaneity:
SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Stunning and painfully easy to relate to. :heart:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you <3
Reply
:iconshedares:
SheDares Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
All I can say, is that this is far too familiar...
Strikingly written :hug:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
a lot of the secrets I get I feels a kinship with.
Reply
:icondraekona:
Draekona Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is put in timing format, like a journal. Also, Please dont think like that. You are Beautiful. It doesn't matter whar people say, (or in this case your concience, which is a part of you. Just shut it up or bbe friends with it! Sheesh.)
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh, this isn't my secret - people send me their secrets anonymously on my tumblr and I write them a poem for it.
Reply
:icondraekona:
Draekona Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Fair enough! But Still, I hate It When People Think That Way About Themselves!
Reply
:iconaqureshi1:
Aqureshi1 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013
Oh...oh my.....Senpai, i'm sure the person who gave you this secret must owe you alot.....
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I AM SENPAI???
Reply
:iconaqureshi1:
Aqureshi1 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013
Of course you're a Senpai Senpai! Kyouko Toshinou (Imagining) [V1] 
Reply
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