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I stare at the screen, waiting for some burst of inspiration to rain upon me like a meteor shower sent straight from the gods of literature heaven.

Nothing.

A sigh escapes my lips, and I haphazardly bash random buttons of the keyboard, watching as the blank document before me is littered with an incoherent placement of characters. The monotone click-clack seems to just resonate with the narcoleptic beating of my heart, further fueling my senseless crusade.

Where has all my writing gone?

It feels like it was just sucked right out of my soul. Ideas constantly plague my mind, yet all I can do is write them down. When I go to type them out, nothing happens. And then, just as quickly as my urge to write appears, it is gone in a flash—and all I can do is slump forward and hope that maybe next week I'll get something productive done.

My fingers halt in their endless assault of the keyboard, and my eyes slide up to scan the nonsense I've created on the bright screen. It's nothing but pointless keyboard spam, yet sadly a part of me is somewhat relieved that I have at least filled up the blank document with a semblance of proper words. As this notion eases across my mind, my eyes catch sight of a certain bit of the nonsensical combinations of letters and numbers and punctuation marks—it practically flares up at me as if the word itself is on fire, and I merely stare.

Prussia.

"…hah," the meager laugh sounds just as worn down as I feel. "That's pathetic. Out of all the words I could have subconsciously written correctly, I type down that one? Guess it just shows how childish I still am, after all I've vowed to do."

I rub my eyes and figure the best thing to do is put the laptop away for another night and get some rest. It wasn't like I was going to make any headway on a story in the first place. At most, I might have been able to concoct a poem of some sort; maybe jot down a few more plot ideas here and there. But actually sitting down and getting a chapter of a story completely written over the course of a single day? Not a chance.

"I need sleep," I mutter as I exit out of the document, not even hesitating to click "don't save" when the option to save the file pops up. My cursor hovers over the shut-down button on the menu of the laptop, and for a moment I simply stare at the wallpaper I haven't changed since I first bought the damn machine.

Prussia. Prussia in all his "awesome" glory. A collage of random fanart images of the Hetalia: Axis Powers character, one that I remember squealing with happiness the moment I came across it. A bitter smile curves upward on my lips, and I shake my head. "I was an idiot back then. Just a raving fangirl. One who wrote nothing but pointless fanservice. One who thought of nothing but Hetalia. One who…practically broke away from her friends and family for the sake of immersing herself in the fantasy world of Hetalia and its characters. And…Prussia…"

Gilbert Beilschmidt.

A name that, as soon as I had learned of it, I knew I would cherish for a very long time. The human name for the country of Prussia as deemed by fans and author of the Hetalia series alike.

I had fallen in love with that name and the persona identified with it the moment I read it. Yet now, all I can do is wince and regret that unfortunate event.

"…why?" I ask myself softly, still staring at the wallpaper. His silver-white hair, his mischievous ruby-hued eyes, that handsome and confident pale face…there's about a dozen figures on the screen, thrown together in one single collage, and every single image seems to scream the same exact thing:

"I'm awesome!"

"Why?" I repeat to myself in a quiet tone, not able to tear my gaze from the wallpaper. "Why did I let it get so out of hand? My adoration for the series…and my 'love' for you. It was all I lived for. For a year and a half. It was all I talked about—all I thought about. All I wanted to be."

I close my eyes and remove my hand from the mouse, just sitting there and thinking. Memories flood back in my mind like a tsunami—of first finding Hetalia and watching a bit; of how it quickly evolved into an unhealthy obsession; of telling my friends "no" when they asked me to hang out because I'd rather stay home and look up as much Hetalia-related things as I could; of writing nothing but cheap, smutty reader inserts when I should have done so much more with this "gift" of writing people keep saying I have; and, of most of all, spending so many nights crying myself to sleep because I so desperately wanted nothing more than for Prussia himself to come to life and call me his awesome Frau.

"And now look at me," I mumble, opening my eyes once more. "I'm constantly thinking about all the things I missed out on while I was in my Hetalia-induced stupor. Hah," a slightly bitter laugh makes itself known, "I've even gotten to the point where my standards for actual men are impossibly high, due to my damn obsession with that harem of fictional characters."

I glare at the collage of Prussia now, my blood feeling hot and cold at the same time. "It's all because of you! If you hadn't…been as awesome as you are, I would have never gotten so wrapped up in a fantasy world! I would have written stories that were actually worth something, instead of pointless reader inserts about how you seduce a make-believe version of me! Dammit, Prussia—Gilbert—I…I…I hate you!"

"Nein, Frau. You don't."

My heart leaps straight to my throat.

I would recognize that outrageous German accent until the day I died.

My head raises from the glowing screen of my laptop to the foot of my bed. There, standing right in front of me, is the source of my woes.

Prussia—Gilbert Beilschmidt—in the flesh.

I gape, my mouth closing and opening like a fish out of water. He simply stands there, in his usual blue military outfit, those crimson eyes locking with mine like a heat-sensing missile. I can't move—I can barely breathe. A million words get caught on my tongue, like a fly trapped in a spider's web, and everything I wish to say melts away into a stream of incoherent noises.

"Y-You…y-you're…why are you…I-I must be…"

He leans against the bed for a second, before hauling himself up and sitting cross legged on the folded up blanket at the end, reaching one pale hand out and gently pushing the laptop lid down. Now there is no barrier between us as we both stare at one another, as if in a life-or-death staring contest, neither one of us blinking.

At last, Gilbert speaks.

"You don't hate me, Schatz. You hate that I'm only pixels on a screen—awesome pixels at that." He manages a cheeky grin that lasts only a moment. "You hate that you were desperate enough to latch onto the idea of me. You hate that you were weak and let yourself be swept away in…everything I was. You don't hate me, liebe. You hate yourself, and the fact that you can't turn back time and stop yourself from drowning in my awesomeness."

The words aren't being said in his usual arrogant, bragging tone. They are simplistic; realistic.

And I know they are the truth.

"…I'm sorry," I whisper, not being able to bring myself to look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Prussia. Gilbert. I'm sorry I…let it all get so bad. I'm sorry I keep wanting to blame everything on you when in reality, it's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"

"It's fine," he replies in that same soft, sincere tone. "I know, liebe. I know. But you can't dwell on this, ja? You have to keep moving forward." His hands reach out, carefully grasping my own. Rather than a delicate warmth pressing against my skin, all I can feel is air. "You have to do what you love. Writing. Write whatever the hell you want! So what if it may take you all the time in the world? At least you'll be doing what you love. So stop hating yourself, Schatz, and learn to smile again."

Prussia smiles now, and it's all I can do to not throw myself at him and pour my soul out to him—this character I've come to love and both hate at the same time.

"Be yourself. Be happy again. Laugh, cry, und smile. Stop despising yourself every chance you get—it isn't very awesome to do so, you know! I don't like unawesome things, remember? So…"

His forehead presses against mine.

Yet all I feel is nothing, and I can't help but close my eyes.

"Become yourself again—the healthy balance you keep wanting. Because that was the you that was truly awesome. I promise, mein Frau, that everything is going to be okay. Just remember that you are always awesome…you just need to find yourself again."

There's only silence, as I cannot find the right words to say, and he is finished speaking. At last, my tongue seems to work, and I can't help the slight tremble in my voice.

"…I love you, Gilbert. No matter what happens, some part of me will always love you. You were some of the best days of my life, even if it was one I lived in a fantasy world. I'll try to be awesome again. I promise. I don't hate you, Prussia. I love you."

My eyes open for the last time in our exchange.

He is gone, of course.

Because he was never there.

The bedroom around me turns blurry and my eyes feel hot and prickly, but I refuse to make a sound.

Instead, I merely open up the laptop again, log in, and bring up a fresh word document.

As my heart and soul break and try to piece one another back together simultaneously, I begin to type.
I honestly can't title this. I don't even know why I'm sharing this. Do you want to know what this is?

It's what happened to me.

It was Valentine's Day. I was seriously depressed. About a lot of things. So I decided to take a nap, maybe recuperate a bit.

And when I did, I had a lucid dream. I was trying to write. And as I did, I began to think about my old days of being a hardcore Hetalia fan. And then, lo and behold, Prussia appeared.

This is what happened in my dream, guys.

This is what my subconsciousness is trying to tell me, I guess.

So I wrote it down. After, of course, waking up and completely losing it because of what happened.

But why am I posting this? I don't know. Maybe it's to prove something to myself.

Comment if you want. I don't really care.

This is just what goes on in my mind now when concerning Hetalia and whatnot.

Yeah.

Not calling this a fanfic. So it's going in the literature category. I don't even know what category is the most appropriate, though.
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:iconthebookdorkprincess:
TheBookDorkPrincess Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is like, perfection. I can't even explain the love I'm feeling for you right now.

I too, have an unhealthy obsession with Prussia. I think this might've made it worse.

But it's nice to know all us Prussian fangirls aren't alone. Or completely sane. Or both.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you so much.
Reply
:iconkushamisaru:
kushamisaru Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I thought this was going to be a piece on writer's block. And I mean, it kind of was. But it was also so much more than that and it was beautiful.

This was a great insight into you as a person. It almost feels too personal to read. Yet at the same time I feel very grateful that you shared with us.
Reply
:iconespada-kitsuki:
Espada-Kitsuki Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That... was so sweet. I honesty love this. Prussia is indeed awesome, a great nation and empire, and my love for him/it goes a bit beyond Hetalia (as I don't love him--at least, not romantically).

Knowing you and your personality, I can definitely imagine this in my head. Other stories that have people inserted in themselves... those I tend to dislike. But yours really was special, because I can understand you and your feelings.

This is amazing.

I can practically envision this happening, and the emotion in this piece... just great. I loved it!

... Not gonna spam you with any more love, because then there would be pages and pages of this.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I would like that spam though.

But yeah.

I still come back to this and cry at times.
Reply
:iconespada-kitsuki:
Espada-Kitsuki Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Can't blame you. It nearly made me cry...

And I understand why you would love the awesome Prussia. He just... has this thing about him. Personality, looks... kinda makes you happy whenever you see his picture? (Or at least back then, if not now?)
Reply
:iconriverclan23:
Riverclan23 Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013  Student
This is so beautiful ;~;
Reply
:iconhetalia-spain:
Hetalia-Spain Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
((Oh. My. God. You brought tears to my eyes. This... It touched me. It reached my poor otaku heart. And toyed with my emotions..... Permission to hug you? :happycry:))
Reply
:iconlizkartland:
LizKartland Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I find this ironic. You're writing about how you hated how you only wrote Hetalia fanfictions, yet this is technically a fanfiction. but it's really good. You're such an amazing writer.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I suppose it is ironic; but I find it more like a conversation with my mind, not a fanfiction.

Thanks.
Reply
:iconforbiddenobsession:
ForbiddenObsession Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
you've captured the essence of heartbreak and frustration so many of us in The Collective Fandoms go through. this is a raw, honest look at the end of a fantasy crush <3
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconcrazycharlette1415:
CrazyCharlette1415 Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
.

(read: You stay strong girl, and don't let yourself get dragged down into that toxic pool again. We've all been there and back, and none of us want to experience that hell again. So flip the finger at that side of the fandom and look back and laugh away as you grow into a stronger woman.)
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I already give that side of the fandom the finger whenever I see idiots trolling.

But...I just wish I had been smarter when I first got into Hetalia.
Reply
:iconcrazycharlette1415:
CrazyCharlette1415 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Don't we all?
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This was beautiful. I don't really know what else to say. It practically rings home for me... and it hurts.

But you know what? Follow his advice. Don't hate yourself. Don't dwell in the past. You're strong, and I know it.

Gilbert would be proud of you.

If he were to read this... well, I can just imagine his arrogant, pleased smile.

He'd be proud of you.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Trust me. It hurt writing this down. But I knew that if I didn't, I'd go crazy.

I'm trying. But for me? It's really damn hard; every day when I look in the mirror, all I feel is loathing.

I wish he could read it, despite the fact I know I need to get away from this childish fantasy.
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I understand how that would be hard for you. But I'm you did. You can't call yourself weak for writing this, because the fact that you have enough courage to write something like this with so much emotion and post it online says a lot.

Even if you do feel that way... know that there will always be people there for you, as corny as it sounds.

And so do I.
Reply
:iconfindmyface:
findmyface Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are just so beautiful...not even words can describe, that's all.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm really not. But thank you.
Reply
:iconfindmyface:
findmyface Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Come on, you are and I don't want to hear another word of it.
Reply
:iconwoogieville:
WoogieVille Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
It should go straight to the literature category because that is what this is. You are having a conversation with your subconscious. Your spirit responds by using characters from your favorite show.

Well done

I just hope you got whatever it was you were looking for when you wrote this piece. I don't know what category to put my stuff in because, no offense, the DA categories can be confusing and limited. So I do my best. Thanks for posting your work.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I guess that's right.

Thank you.
Reply
:iconwoogieville:
WoogieVille Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013
you're welcom
Reply
:icongodblesstheducks:
GodBlessTheDucks Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconcryforever:
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yep.
Reply
:iconsrcpcsoha:
srcpcsoha Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Student Digital Artist
:iconsadcraiplz: oh wow.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah.
Reply
:iconmjshii:
mjshii Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah, that must be the stem of your username. I have not heard of this... "prussia" before, therefore I was confused as to why you would choose the name "PrussianPersephone". You do have the gift for writing(writing only comes to me in short, few & far between spurts of inspiration), I especially enjoy one of your new pieces, Necromancy.
I confess, your limerick of Kuroshitsuji caused me to google the name and spend all night reading the manga. I blame you for not studying. :P Ceil certainly is a most interesting character, is he not?
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yep. Prussia is a dissolved country that was once a major German power. You should look up the history of it. It's quite interesting. I became extremely interested in it after I began to watch Hetalia.

Ciel is the best.
Reply
:iconmjshii:
mjshii Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Even though Ciel's supposedly evil... these days I often find myself sympathizing with the supposed villains...

That reminds me- books that say "This guy's bad because he's bad, he kills people because he likes killing people" really should get a better plot line.
Reply
:iconrainatmosphere:
Rainatmosphere Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I truly thought this was wonderful concerning your mental health. Because like I said before, this was your subconscious trying to tell you to stop hating yourself after all those years.

We must all learn from our mistakes, leave the past behind and look into the future, no? There's no use walking forward if your mindset and burdens drag you behind.

That's what I'm trying to do right now. People have the tendency to linger and mope around in their problems and past regrets that they would eventually waste time over doing nothing when they have the opportunity to pick themselves up and continue on.

So please, be strong for me and your supporters. Don't worry about concerning yourself with whether you want to please the audience. Just write whatever you feel you want to write. You come up with the best stuff that way anyway.
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Insert intelligent response here.
Reply
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